How to become the Prime Minister of India: 10 Simple Steps

With your qualification and expertise, it may be difficult for you to find a peon’s job in India, but you can easily hope to become the Prime Minister.

By Rakesh Raman

India is said to be the world’s largest democratic country with 1.25 billion people. The country’s democratic culture allows every Tom, Dick, and Harry to become the Prime Minister (PM) of India. You’d have seen many of them.

Then why can’t you try your luck? With your qualification and expertise, it may be difficult for you to find a peon’s job in India, but you can easily hope to become the PM, which is the highest government position in the country.

But how?

You need to follow a few simple steps on your path to become India’s PM. Here’s a stepwise guide to help you grab the PM’s position.

10 Simple Steps to become the Prime Minister of India

1. You should always shout that you were a tea vendor when you were young. It’s okay if you were selling coffee or Lassi (लस्सी), you must say you were peddling tea because tea has a special quality that can quickly make you the PM.

2. You may be a dumb fool but you should never allow others to know that. To hide your naiveness, you should hire an image-building or PR agency that can write your speeches, bribe the journalists to say everything in your favor, and project you as the best PM candidate. In simple words, it should be a totally crooked agency – preferably from abroad.

3. It’s okay if you look like a baby hippopotamus. But you should always cover your obese frame with the best of Indian or Desi dresses. Yes, these dresses won’t look good on you. But this step is required. Don’t ignore it.

4. Similarly, you must keep a properly trimmed white beard. Even if you have a black beard, you can always buy a white hair color that you can use to keep all your hair white. It may be a disadvantage to women candidates who don’t have facial hair and are still aspiring to become the PM. But these women can only curse their hard luck.

5. You must hate the minority communities and torture them to such an extent that you are labeled as a criminal and others countries ban your entry there. But with this step, you would be able to woo majority of the voters in the other communities. This is a very important step in your journey toward PMship.

6. You should always be surrounded by idle Bollywood actors who have plenty of time to waste. It will be a huge help if you could also fly kites with those actors – particularly from the communities you hate. This step is required because factually you may be a crook, but you should not look like a crook.

7. You should love picnics because after becoming the PM, you can go on frequent picnics in every country of your choice. No, you need not think about the people in India. You should simply follow your insane jet-setting schedule like a spoiled brat.

8. You should never talk about broken Indian roads, water and electricity problems, and dirty trains. Rather, you should always scream about bullet trains and smart cities. Yes, I know it’s a false promise. But you must agree that politicians are supposed to be liars.

9. Although knowledge of English language is important for a politician in today’s globalized world, it’s okay if you’re illiterate and clueless about English. You can always hide your weakness by saying that you’ll speak in Hindi because Hindi is the language of the land – the Hindu Rashtra (Hindu nation), you know!

10. Even after going through all this rigmarole, there is a great likelihood that even your own friends in your group won’t accept you as a PM candidate because they think you’re an obstinate, good-for-nothing bumpkin. If this happens, you must revolt against your own group members and grab this opportunity by hook or by crook.

That’s it. Remember, you’ll be in a cutthroat race where you’ve to compete with millions. You’ve to be careful, as a toe out of line can simply throw you out of the race. So you must follow these steps sincerely if you want to kiss some real success on your journey to become the Prime Minister of India. Will you?

By Rakesh Raman, the managing editor of RMN Company

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